Word Contessa: Tellulah's 25 & My Ex From Hell Giveaway

1) In the geek vs nerd breakdown, I fall on the geek side of things. I think nerds are slightly smarter but I have better social skills.
2) Some people know their credit card numbers by heart. I know my library card number. I think that’s cool. Discuss.
3) When I was 3, I fell into a neighbour’s pool. Underwater, I saw a window, with a battle raging on the other side. With cannons. A man, who I later realized was a Viking, came to the window and told me I couldn’t come through. At that moment, my uncle grabbed me and pulled me out of the pool. I have no affinity for Vikings. True story.
4) I like to Statler and Waldorf my way through life – overheard conversations, Oscar awards, commercials featuring wide-eyed puppies – all are heckling fodder.

5) I love to sing and do so often. My apparent inability to carry a tune, and tendency to sing lyrics phonetically as opposed to what they really are, are not my problem.

6) When driving, I swear like a sailor.
7) The plan when I grew up was to live in a penthouse apt. in NY with my pet black panther Sebastian, and throw glittering salons filled with fabulous creative types. I’m currently writing this in my basement office in Canada, with one foot thrown over a portable heater because I’m freezing. No view. No glitter. Not sure how the plan went so horribly wrong. Granted, it wasn’t much of a plan. I do have a black cat though.
8) Jerricho Barrons is my book boyfriend. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.
9) Being married to me/birthed from my body gives me rights in perpetuity to use you for comic creative license. This seems fair to me.
10) I believe the world needs more choreography. Just saying.
11) Archer is one of my favorite TV shows of all time. It’s an inappropriateness I can totally get behind.

12) I cannot live without lipstick.
13)When trying to get my attention while I’m writing, I am allowed five minutes, 6 mumbles of “yeah, coming” and a dozen head nods before I actually have to answer you. Trying to speed things up will just result in bodily harm and tears. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
14) I’ve taught my daughter the importance of occasional “go to hell” events i.e. go to hell bedtime (staying up late) and go to hell dinner (eating dinner at the all-you-can-eat chocolate buffet). It helps keep life balanced.
15) I did my Master’s thesis on Gender and Spectatorship in the animation of Chuck Jones. This is a fancy way of saying that I studied cross-dressing and sexuality in Bugs Bunny cartoons for two years. Needless to say, my parents were soooo proud.

16) I could give up chocolate before I could give up books.
17) I was a screenwriter for 12 years before I was an author, with produced credits in film and television. It was a rush.
18) I love to travel. One of the coolest things I’ve done was to camel trek out into the Sahara desert and sleep out under the stars.
19) When my best friend in university drew me as a super hero, my power was “attack hair”. I will never do that to one of my characters.
20) I tell my husband that my tweets and Pinterest board about male eye candy are just ways of interacting with social media friends and readers. I think I’ve gotten away with it but I’m not sure because I am no longer able to make eye contact with him.

21)I currently have a massive crush on Mindy Kaling. I think she’s brilliant and everyone should be watching The Mindy Project.

22) I never thought arms were an interesting body part until I saw Usher take off his sweater on The Voice. I have adjusted my viewpoint accordingly.
23) I feel resentful when my favorite books end.
24) One of the best things about this author gig – other than people thinking I’m funny and not in a disparaging way – is all the awesome book suggestions my new friends have shared with me. And since that’s gone so well, I’m currently looking for friends who would like to share the following with me: their villa on the Mediterranean, their private chef, their personal masseuse (but not the icky kind) and/or their credit card as they take me shopping in NY.
25) I hate mushrooms with a passion. When I had my daughter, my best friend brought me over a lasagna so I wouldn’t have to cook for a bit. It was called (no joke) “the more mushrooms per square inch lasagna”. Remembering that I hate mushrooms, she laughed and took it home for herself to eat. This is part of the reason I am advertising for new friends. (See #24)